Time In
When children are struggling with tantrums common strategies like "time out" can actually make the situation worse. Time out isolates the child further from you and tells them that big emotions are bad. Instead, try taking "time in" with your child to teach them how to self-soothe in the moment, which can make frustrating behaviors and tantrums less and less frequent, and communicate that there are other ways to cope with big feelings.
- After your child displays negative behavior or has a tantrum, take them to a calm spot away from the scene.
- Cuddle and comfort them until they are calm.
- Once they are calm, it's time to talk quietly about the problem, their feelings, their behavior, and how it affects others.
- Once they have talked about their feelings, calmly discuss how they can prevent this behavior in the future and what to do if they feel like behaving this way again.
When a child has toxic stress or is overwhelmed, much of their behavior is not a choice. When we do time outs and punishments, this is treating the child like they are to blame, when in reality, they had no control. Time in shows a child that their emotions are being acknowledged, and it helps them start to identify their feelings. It also helps you coach your child on how to regulate their emotions, meaning they can self-soothe in the future when they get overwhelmed.
Try this next:
Practice, "down time" for yourself. If you get overwhelmed or reach a breaking point, you can say something like, "You know, I'm going to take some down time. I can feel I'm getting angry, and I may say unkind things right now." Not only does this help you stay calm, but it is also an excellent example for your kids to follow when they become frustrated.